Strong-willed kids are such a blessing! -Wendy Snyder

Power. Control. Parenting.

Which of these three doesn’t belong?

My guest today is Wendy Snyder, a positive parenting educator who reminds us, “Control is not the goal of parenting.”

Obviously, there is a balance of power in a parent-child relationship, but taking the power or fighting over who has power isn’t the right game to play.

Wendy will teach you:

  • Why yelling is sometimes what parents do when they feel powerLESS
  • Why it’s so difficult to parent “cactus kids” – aka those who want to be in power
  • Steps to reduce your reliance on fear, force, bribery, rewards & nagging to influence your kids
  • Powerful positive strategies that not only help you self-calm, but also work to decrease pushback from your kiddos
  • How to get to the root of your child’s power-seeking misbehavior so you can effectively redirect them toward better behavior

If you’re struggling with a powerful child or wishing you had a roadmap to calmer parenting, this one is for you!

Wendy is a camp leader for #LifeSkillsNow Summer Camp this June! Sign up for free here!

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Can’t see the video? Watch raising cactus kids here on YouTube!

No time for the video? Here are the notes!

These timestamps align with the video, not the audio podcast (although they’ll be fairly close).

Raising Cactus Kids!

  • 1:33: Today I’m speaking with Wendy Snyder about raising kids with certain strong-willed traits.
  • 2:25: Wendy shares how she came to teach positive parenting. She really struggled with her oldest daughter as a toddler. Once Wendy began learning some different parenting techniques, she saw huge improvements in her relationship with her daughter and now she helps other parents.

What Is a Strong-Willed Child?

  • 7:49: What is a strong-willed personality? We tend to see this as a problem, but there are definitely advantages as well! Here’s the book Lean In that Wendy mentioned. 
  • 10:05: The world sends us the message that we want kids who are calm and always in line, but we need adults who will be strong leaders, determined, and persistent. As adults, many of these traits are viewed as good traits, but we try to stifle them out of children.

Strong-willed children learn by experience. -Wendy Snyder

  • 13:04: Wendy shares some more traits of strong-willed kids. They’re often highly sensitive, this can apply to stubborn picky eaters. Is your child highly sensitive?
  • 15:40: Wendy calls traditional parenting methods as “hand me down” methods. They tend to rely on bribes, threats, yelling, and nagging. These external motivators don’t work on strong-willed kids as well as more compliant kids. The more you try to control them, the more they’ll push back.

Show your kids they have a voice and their voice matters. -Wendy Snyder

Parenting Strong-Willed Kids

  • 21:58: Wendy’s pillars of parenting a strong-willed kid are: empowerment, trust/safety, and connection/belonging.
  • 22:47: Kids make mistakes and they’re constantly being told about it. Shift from “you’re constantly getting in trouble” to “you’re always learning.”
  • 24:10: Kids need to feel like they belong. The strong-willed child will often feel like the black sheep of the family which leads to a sense of not belonging. Then they search for belonging elsewhere.
  • 26:00: See your kids in all their mistakes and love them unconditionally. It’s so important that your children know this and hear it regularly.

Practical Parenting Strategies

  • 26:45: Wendy was really reactive when she began parenting differently. It took her 8 years to stop yelling, let that encourage you if you’re struggling!
  • 28:22: Yelling is a facade. It makes us feel powerful when we really feel powerless and scared. Wendy shares some of her process of learning not to yell. This is so powerful!

Controlling your kids is not the goal of parenting. -Wendy Snyder

Do you want to control your kids or teach them to control themselves? -Wendy Snyder

  • 32:14: The way we speak to our kids when we’re angry is often the way we speak to ourselves. Start talking to yourself differently and give yourself grace, you can change and begin speaking more kindly to yourself and your kids.
  • 33:30: Learn to have your kids help more. They can help with cooking, learn conflict resolution for themselves, and begin cooperating with your instructions. Ask them for their corporation and support.

Kids don’t need plastic knives. They need real skills.

Teach safe technique, focus, and confidence in the all-time fav lesson from our kids cooking class! (ages 2-12)






Or find out more about the free knife class here.

  • 34:25: How do we give children power appropriately? Most people think positive parenting is permissive parenting where you let kids have all the power. Wendy gives an example of appropriate power for kids.
  • 39:46: We have lots of picky eaters in the KCRF community. Let’s talk about mealtime power struggles. Get more practical tips for picky eaters here.

You’re in charge of what goes on the table, the child is in charge of what they eat. -Wendy Snyder

  • 46:40: Wendy gives us some final words and tells us where to find her online. Here is her website.

Resources We Mention for Raising Strong-Willed Kids

Wendy Snyder Wendy Snyder is a Positive Parenting educator, family life coach & advocate. She is certified in Redirecting Children’s Behavior & The Joy of Parenting Program. Wendy founded her online business, Fresh Start Family, so that she could spread the message of positive parenting across the world. She is the developer of a variety of online positive parenting courses and also has a monthly membership program to further support families. Wendy helps families parent from a place of great purpose and intention by creating healthy, respectful & cooperative relationships.