What if one of our most loving parenting instincts is accidentally making our kids less confident?
Oof.
As parents, we’re wired to help. To reassure. To rescue. To make the crying stop in the grocery store before everyone in aisle seven starts judging us. (You know what I mean?)
But child psychologist Dr. Kathryn Hecht says kids aren’t nearly as fragile as we sometimes treat them.
In fact, they need age-appropriate challenges to build what she calls “handleability,” that deep-down belief that says: This is hard, but I can handle it.
I absolutely loved this conversation because it gets right into the practical question so many of us are wrestling with: How do we raise kids who can actually handle hard things?
We dig into:
- Why constantly removing obstacles can undermine a child’s confidence, even when we’re doing it out of love
- The fascinating idea that kids are anti-fragile, and why some stress and challenge actually help build emotional resilience
- Why “healthy kids = happy kids” is a parenting myth we may need to toss out
- How rescuing a child brings short-term relief but can create more distress long-term
- Why our kids sometimes interpret our help as evidence that they couldn’t have handled it themselves
- What “coping efficacy” or “handleability” looks like in normal family life, without turning your home into a psychology clinic
- Why exposure therapy is much less scary than it sounds, and how parents can help kids take small, voluntary steps toward something difficult
- The difference between roller-coaster scary and horror-movie scary, and why that distinction might completely change how you help an anxious or hesitant child
Dr. Hecht has this incredible ability to take clinical psychology and turn it into language that makes you think, “Ohhhh. I can actually use this with my kid.”
And I have a feeling you’ll finish this one looking at your child’s next hard moment a little differently.
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Key Takeaways about Raising Resilient Kids
- Really, go watch Dr. Kathryn’s TEDx Talk first!
- Kids build confidence and resilience by facing age-appropriate challenges, not by having every difficult or uncomfortable experience removed for them. Kathryn mentions Julie Lythcott-Haims’s book How to Raise an Adult. Here’s my interview with Julie.
- When parents repeatedly rescue, reassure, or remove discomfort, kids may feel better in the moment but can begin to believe that the situation was dangerous or that they were not capable of handling it themselves.
- Healthy kids are not necessarily happy and comfortable all the time, and a better goal is helping children develop “handleability,” the belief that something can be hard and they can still handle it. I love this – totally what we want to happen with #LifeSkillsNow!
Keep the Life Skills Going All Year Round!
Missing #LifeSkillsNow? You can keep doing workshops! Get one from each season of #LifeSkillsNow for free to do while you’re waiting for the next season.
These workshops include Making Homemade Gellies with Leah; Turning Big Ideas Into a Real Business with Billy Brady, the CEO of Troomi Phones; How to Make a Phone Call with Katie and kids; Checking Fluid Levels in Your Auto with Sam Tillema; and Making Your Home Sensory Smart with Greg Santucci.
And if you missed this year’s camp, it’s a fun taste of what we do each year in our free life skills camp for kids and teens.
Show Me the Life Skills!- Children are more “anti-fragile” than we sometimes assume, which means manageable stress and challenge can strengthen emotional resilience just as physical exercise strengthens the body.
- Helping a child become brave does not mean forcing them into frightening situations, but instead encouraging small, voluntary steps toward something that feels uncomfortable or scary.
“If we reduce a child’s capacity for agency, we are reducing their confidence in themselves.” – Katie Kimball, Raising Healthy Families
- Parents can make hard experiences feel more manageable by explaining what is happening, showing children that the challenge is possible, adding playfulness when appropriate, and cheering them on as they practice.
Action Steps from This Episode
- Notice when your instinct is to immediately fix, rescue, reassure, or remove a challenge, and ask yourself whether your child is actually unsafe or simply uncomfortable.
- Give your child opportunities to handle small, age-appropriate frustrations and challenges before stepping in to solve the problem for them.
- When your child says something feels scary or hard, acknowledge the feeling while also communicating confidence that they can handle the next small step.
- Break intimidating situations into smaller “bravery workouts” so your child can gradually practice moving toward the challenge instead of avoiding it completely.
- Praise your child for being willing to try, tolerate discomfort, and keep going rather than focusing only on whether they succeeded or felt happy.
- Look for everyday opportunities to let your child practice independence so they can gather real evidence that they are capable of handling difficult things.
Resources We Mention for Raising Resilient Kids
- See Dr. Kathryn’s books:
- The Be Brave Activity Book: 100 Exposure-Based Challenges That DARE Kids to Boss Back Their Worry and Anxiety Once and for All (Amazon/Bookshop.org)
- Releasing in February 2027 – The Can-Do Activity Book for Kids: Try Things on Your Own, Deal with Big Feelings, and Grow Confident Along the Way (Amazon/Bookshop.org)
- Watch Dr. Kathryn’s TEDx Talk, “How to raise kids who can handle hard things”
- How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims and my interview with Julie
- Get your kids started learning to do hard things with #LifeSkillsNow!
Kathryn Hecht, PhD is a Minnesota-based child and adolescent clinical psychologist, author, and outspoken advocate for children’s mental health. A sought-after speaker, she presents nationally on pediatric anxiety and OCD and serves as pediatric training faculty for the International OCD Foundation’s Behavior Therapy Training Institute. Dr. Hecht is the author of The Be Brave Activity Book and a partner at Anxiety Treatment Resources. Her recent TEDx talk on brave parenting was selected as a TED Editor’s Pick.
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