Whenever you parent from a place of fear, it doesn’t work well. -Jennifer Kolari

When you yell at your kids, it always works to improve their behavior and your relationship, right?

Ha.

But what’s a parent at the end of their rope to do?

My guest today, Jennifer Kolari, has worked with some of the toughest, most challenging kids out there, and she has the answer: love them. Connect with them. Use the CALM technique so that your kids can truly learn better behavior in a safe environment.

We talk about:

  • An interesting thing parents are actually the “substitute” for, at least until our kids turn 25 or so…
  • The antidote to addiction – wow, all parents need this!
  • How the neurobiology of love helps us understand the importance of building kids’ brains (and what tools to use in the building)
  • Why kids overreact and give us grief
  • A reallllly cool technique about how our faces should look when interacting with an emotional child (or, for that matter, spouse, co-worker, ETC!) – I keep using this part of the CALM technique with great results!
  • What every teenager wants and what their “job” is in terms of development (this will help you parent your teen so much more effectively)
  • What routines to include, and more importantly, NOT include, at mealtimes

This is one of our longer interviews because Jennifer has SUCH great information and stories, I couldn’t bear to hit stop on the recording – but that’s why we create skim notes for you to get the gist and hop to the sections you want to hear most, in case you don’t have time to listen to/watch the whole interview.

Can’t see the video? Watch Connected Parenting here on YouTube!

These time stamps align with the video and not the audio podcast, but they should be pretty close!

No time for the video? Here are the notes!

What Is Connected Parenting?

  • 0:16: Today, we’re talking about connection on the Healthy Parenting Handbook. I’m speaking with child and family therapist Jennifer Kolari.
  • 0:35: When I first heard Jennifer she gave an excellent analogy for parenting using a pilot of an airplane.
  • 2:25: Jennifer shares her background with us. Even as a child, she knew she wanted to be a therapist.
  • 3:28: Connected parenting is about helping parents use language and love as medicine. Jennifer shares what this looks like and how it’s different from other parenting styles.

Connected parenting uses language and love as medicine. -Jennifer Kolari

  • 4:28: Understanding some brain science can really give you a boost in understanding your child.

A‌s a parent you are the frontal lobe for your child until theirs matures. -Jennifer Kolari

Who Is Connected Parenting For?

  • 5:42: What types of families and kids is connected parenting good for?

Connection is the antidote to addiction. -Jennifer Kolari

  • 6:19: Jennifer shares how she developed the connected parenting style. It was a heartbreaking path to see how connection can make a difference in a relationship.
  • 9:04: This emotional story drives home the point that Jennifer was learning about connection making all the difference with the kids she was working with.
  • 11:11: You probably remember coaches or teachers who loved you and believed in you for many years later. Those moments of connection stay with you, and they matter.
  • 11:40: Let’s look at the end goal. What are the qualities that a connected 18-year-old would have leaving the house?

Connecting With Brain Science

  • 13:00: Now for some brain science. The frontal lobe takes 25 years to develop, it controls decision-making and logical thinking. The midbrain is your security system; it’s only interested in danger and survival, and it automatically reacts, and your frontal lobe is supposed to mitigate that.

Kids' feelings are much bigger than what can fit in their little bodies. -Jennifer Kolari

  • 14:25: The amygdala is constantly scanning for danger. When something frightening happens the midbrain takes over and overrides the frontal lobe.
  • 14:48: Baby’s brains aren’t fully formed when they’re born. We get to help develop our children’s brains.
  • 15:45: Oxytocin is a very powerful chemical for our brains. It’s free, you don’t need a prescription, you can’t overdose on it, and you can’t run out of it. Connection with those you love gives you both an oxytocin boost.

Kids don’t need plastic knives. They need real skills.

Teach safe technique, focus, and confidence in the all-time fav lesson from our kids cooking class! (ages 2-12)






Or find out more about the free knife class here.

Implementing Connected Parenting

  •  17:12: We don’t need to learn how to talk to a baby; we naturally flow, but we usually drop that when kids learn to speak. Definitely listen in here for an example to contrast how we connect with a baby vs a 2-year-old.
  • 18:57: Once a child can communicate to us in words, we lose empathy. We aren’t trying to mirror and figure out what they’re feeling by their behavior anymore, we want them to speak to us.
  • 20:35: Jennifer teaches the CALM method. The letters stand for Connection, Affect matching, Listening, and Mirroring.
  • 20:50: Connect: Most of us enter a conflict thinking, “I need to be understood,” but what if we went in thinking, “How can I understand you?” If a child doesn’t feel understood, they will escalate.
  • 22:13: Affect matching: The look on your face, needs to kind of match what they’re feeling. If it doesn’t they’ll feel hurt or misunderstood.

If you’ve ever said…

“I just want my kids to eat what I make!”

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end picky eating power struggle

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  • 23:45: Listening: You can summarize, paraphrase, clarify, or wonder out loud to show that you’re listening and help them make connections. Jennifer gives some specific examples.

Emotions are not to be feared, they're to be understood. -Jennifer Kolari

  • 26:24: Mirroring: When you’ve pulled this all together, you’ve had a powerful mirroring moment.

Connected Parenting with Teens

 

  • 27:42: We’ve talked about toddlers and young children. CALM also works with teens and might be even more important for them.

Every teenager wants to be understood. Connected parenting is literally teenager whispering. -Jennifer Kolari

  • 30:11: Jennifer shares some fascinating things about teenagers and how we treat them differently now from any other time in history. Connection with our teens is so important.
  • 35:35: Let’s look at a practical example of connected parenting with a teen.
  • 38:33: Punishment and consequences are very different. Punishment comes from fear, and it’s hurting the child back. Consequences teach and come from love.

Kids need to know they are loved and limits also show love. -Jennifer Kolari

  • 41:51: We have to show confidence in our teens and allow them some independence. Give them that chance to complete their responsibilities before stepping in and helping them with reminders or consequences.
  • 43:24: Your children want to feel secure and know they’re loved. If you are acting as their frontal lobe and setting firm limits, they feel safe within that container.

  • 45:20: You can easily get stuck in the cycle of power struggles and escalating conflict. Connection gets to the root of the issues and dissolves many potential problems.
  • 47:50: Of course, we’re all about food here at Kids Cook Real Food™. Keep mealtime joyful and full of love and connection, this is not the time to have hard discipline conversations or engage in power struggles.

Mealtime is the most important time to connect. -Jennifer Kolari

  • 50:15: Jennifer highly recommends that kids have protein every 1.5-2 hours to regulate mood and help with behavior. Just 3 bites will do it, but it has to be protein-heavy! Here’s a protein-rich small snack that’s easy to make with your kids.
  • 51:04: Sleep also has a huge impact on behavior. Make sure your kids are getting enough sleep if they’re struggling with emotional regulation. Here are tips to get your kid sleeping enough.

    If you’re navigating the complexities of supporting children with challenges in executive functioning and stress management, this workshop is designed for you.

    Led by Elizabeth Sautter and Sarah Ward, experts in social-emotional learning (SEL) and executive functioning, this workshop will provide  you with practical strategies that can be seamlessly integrated into daily routines and activities, benefiting both you and the children you love and support.

    CHECK OUT THE WORKSHOP HERE

  • 52:57: Jennifer gives us some information on what else she has to offer for parents. You can find everything on her website.
  • 55:23: We end with one step you can do today.

Resources We Mention for CALM Parenting

Jennifer Kolari One of the nation’s leading parenting experts, Jennifer Kolari, M.S.W., R.S.W. is a highly sought-after international speaker and the founder of Connected Parenting. A child and family therapist with a busy practice based in Toronto and San Diego, Kolari is also the author of Connected Parenting: How To Raise A Great Kid (Penguin Group USA and Penguin Canada, 2009) and You’re Ruining My Life! (But Not Really) Surviving the Teenage Years with Connected Parenting (Penguin Canada, 2011). Kolari is a frequent guest on many national morning shows and her advice can be found in many Canadian and U.S. magazines.
Jennifer entertains and educates audiences with her powerful parenting model based on the neurobiology of love. Kolari’s wisdom, quick wit, and down-to-earth style helps parents navigate modern-day parenting problems, offering real-life examples, as well as practical and effective tools and strategies.