What if one of the best things you could do for an anxious, frustrated, or struggling kid is…do a little less?
I know. Every parenting instinct in us is screaming, “Help them! Fix it! Tell them it’s going to be okay!”
But Dr. Kathryn Hecht says there’s a problem with that last one: We’re not wizards. We actually don’t know that everything is going to be okay, and our kids are smart enough to know it too.
So what can we say instead?
In this episode, Dr. Hecht gives us an incredibly simple formula that combines empathy with confidence, plus a 10-second parenting rule that might be harder to practice than it sounds. We’re talking about how to help kids do hard things, tolerate frustration, become more independent, and build real confidence without throwing them into the proverbial deep end.
And I love this because we’re not talking about manufacturing scary experiences for our kids. We’re talking about the everyday stuff. Buttons. Homework. Birthday parties. Trying something new. All those little moments when we have to decide: Do I swoop in, or do I give my child a chance to discover, “Oh. I can handle this.”
If you want to raise kids who see uncertainty less as a threat and more as something they can navigate, keep listening. This one is practical enough to use today.
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Key Takeaways about Raising Brave Kids
- Bravery grows through practice, and kids build confidence when they take manageable steps toward things that feel uncomfortable instead of always avoiding them.
- Rather than telling an anxious child, “Everything will be fine,” parents can combine empathy with confidence by acknowledging that something is hard while reminding the child that they can handle it. I mentioned my interview with Dr. Catherine Clinton about germ theory vs. terrain theory here.
- Everyday frustration, boredom, uncertainty, and age-appropriate independence can all become opportunities for kids to develop “handleability,” or confidence in their ability to cope.
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Learn More about The Picky Eater Playbook- Giving kids opportunities to do things independently, imperfectly, and without immediate adult intervention can strengthen problem-solving skills and may also help reduce anxiety.
Create opportunities for your child to be brave without pushing them into the pool. – Dr. Kathryn Hecht
- Parents can use a simple 10-second rule when a child is struggling by pausing before stepping in and giving the child a little more time to work through the problem independently.
- Brave parenting means creating opportunities for children to stretch themselves without forcing them, allowing kids to choose small steps toward challenges while parents provide encouragement and confidence.
Action Steps from This Episode
- When your child is struggling, replace “Everything will be fine” with, “I know this is hard, and I know you can handle it,” so you offer empathy without promising an outcome you cannot control.
- The next time you feel the urge to immediately fix a problem for your child, wait 10 seconds and see whether they can begin solving it themselves.
- Look for one age-appropriate task your child can take more ownership of, even if they complete it more slowly or imperfectly than you would. Get more ideas in this interview with Lenore Skenazy.
The trouble with saying “everything is fine” is that we are not wizards, and our kids have really good lie detectors in their brain. – Dr. Kathryn Hecht
- When your child avoids something uncomfortable, help them identify one smaller, manageable step they could choose to take instead of expecting them to tackle the whole challenge at once.
- Create everyday opportunities for bravery by putting your child in situations where they can practice skills such as ordering their own food, talking to another adult, solving a problem, or completing a responsibility independently.
- Notice your own discomfort when your child struggles and practice stepping back long enough to let them discover that they are often more capable than either of you expected.
No matter what life throws at our kids, we need them to be resilient.
This free download will give you some practical and actionable steps to improve brain health and resilience.
Resources We Mention for Raising Brave Kids
- See Dr. Kathryn’s books:
- The Be Brave Activity Book: 100 Exposure-Based Challenges That DARE Kids to Boss Back Their Worry and Anxiety Once and for All (Amazon/Bookshop.org)
- Releasing in February 2027 – The Can-Do Activity Book for Kids: Try Things on Your Own, Deal with Big Feelings, and Grow Confident Along the Way (Amazon/Bookshop.org)
- Watch Dr. Kathryn’s TEDx Talk, “How to raise kids who can handle hard things”
- Get your kids started learning to do hard things with #LifeSkillsNow!
- Germ theory vs. terrain theory with Dr. Catherine Clinton
- The “Worst Mom in America” on Raising Confident Kids
- Have kids anxious about eating? Start the No More Picky Eating Challenge right now and check out my forthcoming book, The Picky Eater Playbook.
Kathryn Hecht, PhD is a Minnesota-based child and adolescent clinical psychologist, author, and outspoken advocate for children’s mental health. A sought-after speaker, she presents nationally on pediatric anxiety and OCD and serves as pediatric training faculty for the International OCD Foundation’s Behavior Therapy Training Institute. Dr. Hecht is the author of The Be Brave Activity Book and a partner at Anxiety Treatment Resources. Her recent TEDx talk on brave parenting was selected as a TED Editor’s Pick.
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